Wild Minded

Everyone tells me to give myself a break.  Now if you could just convey that to the Life God of What The Crap.  I went off the grid because I have been struggling mentally with all that is in my head.  I used the blog for my purge before and I need to get back to that.  I heard in the movie Julie & Julia that a blog is really self-centered, so it must be true.  Honestly don't care.  It's my blog and like everything else in life we don't have to tune into anything we don't want to.  I just have to be tuned into me.  That part I'm good at and it has saved my sick behind many many times throughout this fight.  That's what I need to keep in mind.
I've had a number of fellow patients ask me what's up...  So it weighed heavy on this wild minded mind of mine if I wasn't positive thinking.   The reality of it all is I have been running full tilt since my mom went into the hospital a week before my second mastectomy in the fall.  I think about all the others who are far more sick than I, did not survive, will not survive.  There are children taking all this cancer treatment, and soldiers and their families forever changed by service to our country.  I do have perspective.  I just have a really hard time giving myself permission to be sad, frustrated, mad..  I am deeply, achingly, sad that my body is too fragile to make love with the man I love oh so dearly; frustrated that each good step forward has had some mind screaming setbacks; mad at those who take advantage of a really good life and not take care of themselves.  Yes - that even meant my own mother.  So I've been continuing to be resolving all this in my head. 
I'm here and back at it each day.  My second picc line is intact and functioning well.  The home care nurse will come tomorrow night (Wednesday), my dressing will be changed, and my lines will be flushed with another dose of antibiotic.  I'll see more of Drs. Marble, Mckee, Lee, Proulx, and Hammond these next few weeks.  They are all good for me and help to keep me propped up in the right direction.